Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
