I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
