I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
