The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
