I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
