3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
