just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
