It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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