Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
