Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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