why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
