my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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