how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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