i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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