two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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