My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
