My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sober January is a disaster.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
