Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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