Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize