what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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