Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
