i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
