Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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