Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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