Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
