He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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