Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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