I'm going to jail i love you
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
