I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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