also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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