Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
