Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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