Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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