JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
