Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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