i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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