i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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