My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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