i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
