The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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