come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
