He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
