There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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