I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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