Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
