So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
