I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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