Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
