I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize