I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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