Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
