I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
