Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
