That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
