he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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