I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I smell like Dick and happiness
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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